what i want to say to you but dont

when you ask me what i am spending all my time doing and jesus christ why dont i read more and for petes sake when am i going to finish my degree i want to say soon soon soon but i know that is not true and its not honest either because really in my mind i would rather quit everything and become an amateur naturopath and open a business on the ground floor of an old house i will buy on p.e.i. and i will truly help people with stomach pains headaches obesity physical and mental trauma and maybe even learning disabilities and i will garner a reputation and i wont need to advertise anymore and i will be known as the medicine lady but the truth is that probably wont happen because i dont hate what i am doing right now i just hate how you keep such a close eye on me and if what i produce is half-assed then so be it i can live with that because to answer your question i spend most of my time talking to friends and hugging and kissing and cuddling my love and im fine with that type of expenditure of time and i dont think its a waste and actually i think its the very best way in the world to spend my time because what if i died tomorrow and god asked me what i did with my life and i said i read books all day and we both agreed that was bullshit and that there were more important things i could have been doing like being with my people and expressing love.

the counter

the woman behind me
put her things on the counter.

so i moved everything
i had just bought.

and the clerk passed her stuff
through the beeping counter

and it leaned against
my stuff at the end

and i was stressed
and blushing

so I got the hell out of there
but i forgot my keys

on that stressful counter
and wonder if she took them.

microsoft word

it's not a favour
if i didn't want it
it's not
helping me out
to change my words around.

i had an education
or whatever they call it
and i understood
the point
of it all.

there's no need then
to capitalize.
my words.
automatically.

to underline
stuff you don't like.

to pop up.

to point out
what you call
grammatical
errors.

cause in my mind
it's impolite
to assume
i don't know what i'm doing

so back off.

your spit is organic

you spat
on my shoulder
cause you didn’t see me rushing past

so I followed you
to the biologique
to the natural
to the organic
or whatever shit trend name
you call a store

and you served people
from behind a counter
and I watched in secret
until you asked to help me

then I said
I can’t be helped

Plus ou moins

A construction of language
Can make anyone
Realize
Anything

Plus ou moins
Said the teacher
In grade four.
Plus je mange
Moins j’ai faim

And now I made
Another
example
My heart.
The more you beat it
The less it beats.

And you say
It’s the summertime
And it justifime fime fime
And I gotta see the neighbour
Which means the neighbour’s boss’
Daughter.

And I scream in my brain
And my heart
Lies cold
Like a blanket
With holes

And the more
You talk
In your
Fucked up language
The less I breathe
With ease.

And I kissed
A guy who you called
A name like schmuck
Or whatever

And I cried
When you didn’t
Care.

What’s the matter’s
All you said and
Bubkiss is all
I answered.

I have no neighbourhood

I’m putting out my status
Into the stratusphere
And I got a job
And I got a place

But I have no neighbourhood.
They told me to
Suck it
Way back in
High school

But at least it was
Some sense of community
Like I belonged
Like I’m a tree
And my forest
Were the teachers and
The teasers

But now I got more
Or less
And it comes and
Goes
And it takes the place
Of millions
And millions
Of tiny wishes
That I make
Every day
For one look.
For one hi
For one smile
For one eye

But I have no neighbourhood.
There’s no people
Around
Who say hey
When they see me
And I sit
On the
Couch and surround myself
With music
To keep me from dying.

In the Park

In the park
you took my hand
And made a mark
Through the sand

And scribbled lines
On a tree
All these signs
Refer to me

The sand is gone
The tree is cold
Even this song
Has gotten old

In the bed
You took my heart
And beat it dead
You played your part

My eyes have spat
Upon my sheet
And now they’re fat
Like puffed up wheat

My angry side
You seem to hate
Likes to hide
And comes out late

But when it does
Come out that is
It hurts because
You’re such a wiz

You taught me things:
To hate is wrong
And loving brings
A pretty song

But now my tune
Is low and mean
And pretty soon
Remains unseen

I can’t predict
What happens next
My anger picked
A frightful text

This may sound mean
But please don’t fret
‘Cause you ain’t seen
Nothing yet.

Thank God I’m a Woman

Thank God I’m a woman ‘cause I’m already white
And without these breasts I’d have no reason to fight.

Thank God for Stacey London whose high heels give her power
But I’ve never seen her running or cooling blisters in the shower.

And despite all this air that flows between my thighs
There’s no shortage of stares—this whole world is all eyes.

But it’s more than just eyes; it’s salivating mouths
Spilling milky on the sides and ignoring my shouts.

Thank God for my cousin who watched me get undressed
I was just thirteen, the bedroom was a mess.

He was five years older, I seem to remember
And I was five times colder—standing naked in December.

He watched his sisters too and told us we were fat
Which was nothing new, but we still felt bad about that.

Then it became a joke: “Did he watch you today?”
What joy he could evoke by standing in the doorway.

Thank God I’m anorexic, so I can please my man
I learned early on to be as thin as I can.

Thank God I’m a woman so that I can complain
So why do I feel guilty? Like this poem is in vain?

All those licked lips on the metro and the bus
If they were still dry would I make such a fuss?

If my professor didn’t wink and look at my chest
Like a curious physician inspecting my breast

Would I be happier if that were the case?
If all that interested men was my face?

I’m sorry to say and I’m crying right now
A confession is coming with sweat on my brow

Thank God for this skirt and these hands to hike it,
I say I hate this attention, but I secretly like it.